Matthew Hara Series, INDIVIDUALITY & UNIVERSALITY; Pt 1: Oscar the Grouch's Abrupt Awakening 😔😃
- Colleen Akiko
- Jul 5
- 9 min read
PROLOGUE:
After years of depression and addiction, Matthew Hara’s life changed with one unexpected moment of meditation. In this powerful episode, he shares his raw journey from inner darkness to becoming a global spiritual guide, mentor and yoga teacher--offering insights on sensitivity, awakening, and living from the heart.
(Colleen): Matthew Hara is known globally as a spiritual guide, songwriter, musician, yoga teacher, and craftsman, who emerged 24 years ago from the depths of lifelong depression and severe substance abuse to follow an unwavering spiritual path in raising human consciousness.
And I now want to just welcome Matthew to We Be the Change. Thank you for being here, Matthew.
(Matthew): Ah, thank you so much, Colleen. Grateful to be here.
(Colleen): You are such a rich, varied smorgasbord of embodied life experience from many years of deep study and spiritual service in ancient wisdom traditions and different cultures. I'm wondering—did you just naturally ease into this path, or was it more of an abrupt beginning for you?
Matthew's Abrupt Spiritual Awakening
(Matthew): It was quite abrupt, actually. Yeah, I was still in my party mode phase—20 years old, living in San Diego County. Surfing a bunch, going to school a little bit, but surfing was taking over, and partying was my evening activity.
And then I picked up a book—I forget how it came into my hands—but this book came into my life. Then, combined with my first yoga class, which was on the beach with a friend I had met. She put me into meditation afterward, and I just went somewhere else. Maybe 20 or 30 minutes later,
I opened my eyes, and she looked at me. She said, "You just went somewhere, didn’t you?" And I was like, "I did." That just kickstarted it. It was a spark that lit the fire.
(Colleen): Did that feel connective inside, or was it like you left your body and went somewhere? What was that like?
(Matthew): It started from inside, but I went into an effortless space because I didn’t know what meditation was. I didn’t have any preconceptions or ideas of what I was doing. I just did the postures for maybe 30 to 45 minutes, and then sat down and just... expanded. The expansion happened, and thoughtlessness happened.
I remember those two attributes were clear. I went into timelessness, and she actually touched me on the shoulder eventually. She said it had been 20 or 30 minutes—whatever it was. It felt like 30 seconds to me. I just went somewhere.
(Colleen): And you’ve experienced that thousands of times since then?
...That, I think, was the foundation of a lot of my depression: I didn’t have a vision. I didn’t have a passion.
(Matthew): Definitely, yeah. Because then I had a taste for what I now knew I wanted. That experience literally gave me a vision for life, where I never had a vision. I was just drifting. And that, I think, was the foundation of a lot of my depression. I didn’t have a vision. I didn’t have a passion. Yeah, I was good at sports and athletics, and I loved nature, and I had good friends—but nothing I was passionately living for.
Early Life as Oscar the Grouch
(Colleen): I remember you saying when you were growing up, your nickname was Oscar the Grouch. What was that like on the inside?
(Matthew): Yep. From the earliest age I can remember, I just remember feeling heaviness and coldness and anxiety and stress. And that could have been because of so many factors—the family situation, those first formative years up on Donner Summit, where it was literally cold. Those were huge winters in the early '80s. That was intense living. But I wasn’t a happy kid,.
(Colleen): You have described yourself in your early years as being very sensitive. You’re just designed as a sensitive person—as many of us are—and empathic.
And when we are sensitive and empathic, and there are intensities going on around us, we have to take care of ourselves somehow.
Do you feel like that is what caused you to go into that deep depression from an early time?
You don’t know that because you’re sensitive, you’re feeling everything and everyone. You’re hyper-alert, you’re hyper-aware.
(Matthew): Definitely. Of course, you don’t know what it is. You don’t know that because you’re sensitive, you’re feeling everything and everyone. You’re hyper-alert, you’re hyper-aware. Even back then, I was very sensitive to spirits and entities. I had this spirit—this female—she tortured me when I was in my room at night alone. From a very young age, like two, three, four years old.
My first memories—I remember just being frightened to go to sleep because I knew she was going to come and torture my mind. So I think it creates this shutting down. You try to shut it down. And then, of course, you try to tiptoe around people. You want to make as little impact as possible.
So then you’re not being your full self. You’re not able to just express.
(Colleen): You know, that is something that is not talked about a lot. And yet, people feel things that they don’t know how to describe. They are very constrictive. They’re very frightening. I know I have felt that many times myself, growing up as well.
And you don’t want to talk about it because it seems weird, and people don’t want to be around weird people. And of course, you want to feel connected. And so many of us take the route that you did—you just deaden it down. And medicate yourself so these things are not so painful. And so you survived childhood and adolescence. I’m glad.
(Matthew): Yeah. All my physical needs were provided for. Of course, my parents split up, so not having my father around very often—that was what was not provided for, and that was painful. But everything else was there. I was healthy. I was athletic. I connected with other kids easily. Yeah. But yeah—the internal world was just dark.
(Colleen): As it is for so many. So many. We have no idea. And here you are, being a bright light, and I’m so grateful. I have witnessed you really connecting—not just one-to-one, but in group situations.
And I’m amazed at how transparently you can show up, both with your words, your stories, your songs, your chanting. Leading meditations—I hear you’re leading a retreat, and you’ve done that all over the world. So I feel very blessed, very honored, that you have so much to pull from in your personal experience.
It’s not head knowledge. And it’s so timely that you’re here in the world now—because we have enough head knowledge. And I know you’ve studied a lot—with many gurus, many teachers, many cultures—which is unique in and of itself. To have someone here who is embodying and sharing, not just in a Western way.
And yet here you are in the West. It’s almost... I seem to use the metaphor of food a lot. . . . But it’s like, instead of the cheap powdered spices, you go out in the garden, and you grab herbs, and you grind them up—and they’re very authentic and fresh.
And that’s how you strike me as a person.
The Journey of Self-Discovery
I'm wondering, after this experience—was it about 24 years ago, when you found yourself on a clear, distinct path. Wherever that came from, that’s where you were going—with all force. How was that shift on the outside and the inside? Because that was huge.
(Matthew): Yeah. Oh man. On the outside, to my friends at first, they were taken aback. They’re like, "What do you mean you’re not going to drink tonight?" Or, "Why are you reading so much all of a sudden?" And I didn’t stop drinking or partying immediately, but it completely shifted to where now, I was focused. That stuff started to fall away rapidly. And after about a year, I quit pretty much all of that.
The people around me—my old friends—they didn't really appreciate it. Because the mind itself doesn’t appreciate change, generally. Its first response is: change is a threat. Because it’s not known. The mind is designed to know things. It wants to understand. So when a person changes, generally people don’t appreciate it at first. Then, the ones who deeply care for you—and if you have the time to converse and communicate what you’re going through—then generally they’re happy and supportive. But sometimes not. I had family members . . .
I literally couldn’t find anyone to have a conversation with that felt like it could be a give-and-take. It was either "they’re telling me"—or a shutdown. . .
And the conversation didn’t really work.
I started to chant, I started to read all these books, I started to want to pick up conversations. Especially with my aunts and uncles who were very spiritual and religious and inquiring, in certain ways.
Inadvertently, it felt like I was testing them—and their faith and their tradition. Because I was suddenly reading Eastern tradition books from all kinds of different religions and spiritual paths. And I wanted to have inquiry—outside of these surface-level "work-school-sports" conversations.
And I started to discover rapidly what a tender zone that is for people. And how much insecurity there is. Or how much arrogance there is. I literally couldn’t find anyone to have a conversation that felt like it could be a give-and-take. It was either they’re telling me—or it’s a shutdown thing. And the conversation didn’t really work. So I found that very interesting. And it actually made me fascinated. I wanted to look more.
(Colleen): What was behind that? Do you feel like those kinds of conversations, in this day and time, are easier to have in general in our society?
(Matthew): In general, they’re easier, for sure. I wouldn’t say we’re in the clear. Of course, it depends on the community and the people. For some people, you don’t even have to say anything. You can sit down together and—boom—hearts are online. They’ve applied and understand the principles within themselves.
They’re not trying to splatter it on someone else. And therefore, you can just connect. And that’s the best. That is happening more and more—I see that for sure.
Everything comes down to communication—from the cells in our bodies to our consciousness, from the individual to the universal—on so many layers and levels.
(Colleen): And one thing I appreciate about you is the embodiment that you offer. You’re not showing up as a talking head, wanting to teach somebody about "this brand of yoga" or something like that.
You’re showing up as an expression of love. So wherever that person or group is, there’s a connection that can be made at whatever level the person wishes to connect.
You are a spiritual guide as well as a teacher—a spiritual guide. And in these times, that can be one-on-one. And you are expressing that also through your music—through various creative expressions that I’d love to hear more about. But I know I’ve segued a bit. I apologize. These things just come up as you’re talking—because even though they’re part of your story and your backstory, they’re so relevant
—to all of us. And I know, myself included.
How do we talk about these things? How do we be real with people who don’t really want to be real? They want to protect something else—because that’s what they feel familiar and safe with. And yet... our times don’t feel that safe right now. And so this is a prime time for us to root deeper and find our anchor. And you’ve been doing that all along—or at least for the past few years.
(Matthew): I’ve been doing my best. And especially—I love that you brought up the communication piece—because that is one of the biggest parts of bridging this new consciousness. Everything comes down to communication—from the cells in our bodies to our consciousness, from the individual to the universal—on so many layers and levels.
Anything that’s an outside threat to a person who’s not consciously aligned with growing—with being receptive to life, to being on the path—anything different is going to feel like a threat.
But especially in my family. My parents—at least from my perspective, and I say this lovingly—but their communication was extremely shut down. And then, as I reflected and got older—through my whole family. I had one side of the family where it was very normal to practice the silent treatment. If you were mad at someone, you literally wouldn’t talk to them for months—or sometimes even years on end.
(Ouch.)
Yeah. One of the most fascinating and also painful experiences I had was after my first trip to India at 23. I went over there and had completely life-changing experiences. I came back wide open—my heart more open, happier, more inspired, more alive than ever. And I remember trying to share with my first friend when I came home—and they immediately shut down. Then the next friend—they’re like, "Yeah, that’s cool," and then changed the topic.
It was blaringly alarming to me. It was like, oh my gosh, whatever I’m doing is threatening them—but I’m coming in with such innocence. I’m just trying to share my story. It’s not "come to India." It’s, "This is what happened."
And again—learning about the mind and the mind’s nature. How it wants to stay in safety. It wants to stay in understanding. And anything that’s an outside threat to a person who’s not consciously aligned with growing—with being receptive to life, to being on the path—anything different is going to feel like a threat. And they’re going to close down.
EPILOGUE:
I am glad you were able to join us for this first segment with Matthew Hara. I’m wondering if what he shared about his self-discovery journey is resonating with you. Please let us know. And tune in next week for the second segment with Matthew Hara. You can find out more about him, his songs, and his ministry at matthewhara.com.
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