Pt 5, Fear: A Stop Sign or a Doorway?

How many times is there someone sitting right across from me, who has the same feeling I have, and I don't know it yet, because I haven't realized my own fear, or joy--or whatever it is. And so I don't recognize theirs.

PROLOGUE:

In a world that feels more and more unpredictable, how do we stay grounded?

How do we say Yes to growth and transformation when uncertainty is what's showing up first? Join us in this conversation, Fear: A Stop Sign or a Doorway?

We talk about embracing the unknown with heart, humor and depth, finding grace in our moments of fear, and through all, experiencing the quiet power of connection. If you've ever felt like you're in over your head, this episode will remind you: you are right where you are meant to be. And we are glad you are here!

... What sometimes seems a little too much for any of us--professionally or personally, is there so that we can see the peace in it, and see why we're here.

Colleen:

You have obviously found yourself wearing all kinds of hats. You remind me of a house for sale not too far from us. Maybe the seller of the house was a hat manufacturer--there were hats hanging on every wall in the house! I'm sure that you have a lot of hats you have worn, and I'm wondering, in the variety of expressions that you have been as a human, what backstories helped you to step up to wear yet one more hat and be one more expression?

Donna:

By the way, when you said all those hats, I remember my grandmother used to read a story to me when I was very little about a guy--I think it was a kid, not an adult, whose name was Bartholomew. He had a lot of hats and every time he'd take one off, there was another one. . .and another  one. And I hadn't really thought of it, but I think I've become Bartholomew.

I retired. No, I didn't. Now I'm doing this other thing. So maybe I've become him.

What backstories about myself or what backstories that have inspired me?

Colleen:

Well, the ones that you hold dear, that, let's say you're in a position, which I'm sure you will be, where you're faced with yet another opportunity to take off the hat and see what hat is underneath that hat.

What do you fall back on to know, Yeah, this is okay--because such and such has happened.

Donna:

I won't say that every time anyone asks me to do something, I say yes. It's not quite that I say yes to everything. But there are so many things that people ask me to do that I've never done that before.

I've never performed Peter and the Wolf before. I've never performed Casey at the Bat before. I'm going to say yes! And then I say Yes--and I did say yes to both of those. Then I say yes, and then I say Oh my God, what did I do? And I feel completely like, Oh, that was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I don't know how to do this thing. I don't know. But I've been doing that for so long that now I know that I can say yes. And it's true, I have no idea what to do, but I will find out. I will find out what to do. I will figure out how to do it. I will learn to do it. And I mean, I know intuitively and internally what I'm going to be good at and what I'm not.

If you ask me to run a budget for an organization, I'd say, no, no, no, no, no. But there are other things that I know that I can be good at once I get rid of the fear. And once I learn a little bit more about it. I always feel like I've taken on more than I can handle. And I know that's not really the case. I know what I've really taken on is exactly what I can handle. And usually I think it's exactly where I should be.

Colleen:

Isn't that interesting that both sides of the opposites are right there at the same time. And it's okay. It seems like for me, when I'm faced with taking off the hat to see what other hat is underneath, I'll only take off the hat. And, and this is when I'm calm and able to breathe and not be reactive, I'll have a sense of this being where the peace is, even if it's an exhilarated peace, And it's a very bubbly peace, It's still peaceful. It's still life giving, and it feels like I'm going to be okay--even if I feel like I'm going to throw up at the same time; that this is where I'm meant to be.

And for you, it seems like this has been your lifestyle. So this is what you're most familiar with-- this kind of feeling because you had it every day in all that you delved into--difficult stuff.

It opened me up because it stripped me down. . . What if I could be so open every day that I would truly, really hear and see everyone who's around me? What could we all get from each other if we could do that?

Facing and Overcoming Fear

Donna:

Yeah, sometimes it's stressful for short periods of time and sometimes it's fearful..

Just when you think you have your act together and then somebody comes along and says, blah, blah, blah, and you say, Oh, no. I didn't know that about myself.

Somebody told me something recently that ignited a fear in me. It took me a couple of weeks to look at the fear, get over the fear, and move beyond the fear.

And then I just felt so good. Just, I am so glad that terrible thing happened, because I needed to look in the mirror and see that. And that's sort of how I feel with what we're talking about now, that sometimes I think I've taken on a little bit too much, but it's exactly what I need, because of what the process is, or because of the content of what I'm writing about, or-- yeah, in addition to all this other stuff we've talked about every couple of months I'll write an article for one outlet or another that is somewhat of a profile of someone. But in that profile, it's something we can all do a little bit better and learn from. Yes. And so writing those are very fulfilling. And when they pile up and I say, I don't think I can do all of this! Oh no, I need to interview that person because he or she has something to tell me that I haven't seen before.

So that's the blessing of it, maybe; that's the high side of it is that what sometimes seems a little too much for any of us professionally or personally, as you said, it's there so that we can see the peace in it and we can see why we're here.

Colleen:

Yes, I just had an experience yesterday with technology-related stuff. And I'm like, Why am I so triggered by this? It just shook me to the core. And I feel like perhaps I needed to be reminded, maybe I have a team of angels and helpers on the other side of my physical veil. Maybe they're saying something like, "Oh, she thinks that she can pull this off as a a mere human without anything beyond her talents or knowledge, and she needs a little bit of a nudge over the edge. Let's make everything go off at the same time so she can realize how supported and loved she is. Yeah. And that she doesn't need to do anything from that (reactive) place.

And when I open, and just take a breath--or whatever that looks like, I'm reminded there's this freedom that wells up, which I think might be what you were talking about at the end of your working through the fear, you know, for a few weeks.

I didn't know I needed to be free of such and such a thing. And yet I do need to be free of that. And so everything falls apart. I feel totally overwhelmed. I want to just crawl under the coffee table and hide for a while.

And then I realize, what I need to shuck off is just an illusion of a story of things and not really real. Then there's this freedom that sets me on my way. I'm sure you've been through your version of that many times.

Donna:

Well, the most recent thing was that there was a person who kind of held my hand and said, "Okay, let's just talk about this a little bit." But that was just a sort of a brief moment in these weeks of being afraid.

But the other thing was that from that moment for two weeks straight, I never revealed to anyone what the fear was; never said anything about it. These people started coming out of the woodwork, coming to me and saying, "This weird thing's happening to me and I've been so afraid and I don't know where it's coming from." And it was exactly the same stuff I was afraid of.

There were like six or eight people in two weeks who showed up and told me their stories that were almost a match to what I was feeling.

The interesting thing about this is that, of course, those people were always there. They always had that fear. They always told somebody about it, it just wasn't me.

How many times is there someone sitting right across from me who has the same feeling I have and I don't know it yet because I haven't realized my own fear, or joy, or whatever it is? And so I don't recognize theirs.

But It opened me up because again, it's stripped me down. It opened me up to the point where I could really hear them and know that I wasn't alone. Wow. What if I could do that every day? Not about fear, but maybe about something else.

What if I could be so open every day that I would truly, really hear and see everyone who's around me? Yes. What I could get out of that, what we could all get from each other if we could do that!

The Dune Litany

Here's something that I found in that two weeks I didn't know about that I really needed. It's a piece of paper. Do you know about the Dune litany? I have heard about it. I have not read it. I don't know if it's longer than the piece that I found, but I'm going to read you the few lines that I found from the book, Dune. Yes. It's about fear, and it goes like this.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --Dune; Litany Against Fear

Colleen:

Yeah. And the beautiful sense that every once in a while I get a glimpse of, is that it has already happened and it is already so.

It has already happened. It already is. A friend of ours, he's a tribal leader, and has led native meditations. And the translation is, it is already done. That has been home base. I could feel those words you were reading coming through and moving in certain ways, but it wasn't taking me away from where I am--right here.

So beautiful.

Donna:

And I ended up walking through those past those two weeks, and at the end of it saying, I'm not afraid and I will not run away, because as you said, it is already done.

Colleen:

It strikes me sometimes to just remember in the Hebrew and Christian scriptures that when angels appear, that's the first thing they say, it's like, I know this is really different, but Don't be afraid.

Donna:

You haven't seen a lot of angels in your life, but it's okay. Everything's going to be all right!

Andrà Tutto Bene

That's another great phrase I picked up. I have limited language skills, but there is a phrase that's popular in Italy that became especially popular during the beginning of COVID when northern Italy was hit really hard. But it's just, you know, part of the lifestyle.

It's Andrà tutto bene: everything will be alright. And what a nice way to be, because it's already done. So of course everything's going to be all right. Everything's already all right. We just haven't seen it yet.

Colleen:

Underneath these stories of what's going on, everything is fine and there's no thing about it. It's just only fineness, wellness.

How about if I decide that I will always make that person feel like they're the smartest, most important person in the room.

Donna:

There was one other little backstory that I thought of as we were talking. I mean, we all have a zillion of them, and not a lot of them are coming to mind right now, and if they did, it would take all day. But I think by far one of the most enjoyable interviews I've done was with Madeleine Albright.

It was like a year and a half before she died. When she died, somebody on her staff was interviewed on Morning Edition, and she said, The thing about Madeleine Albright was she always made you feel like you were the smartest person in the room.

But really, she was the smartest person. And I thought, well, I can't fulfill the second part of that. Why not go for the first part of it? How about if I decide that I will always make that person feel like they're the smartest, most important person in the room.

What if?

The other thing was something that one of my teachers gave me. That whenever I'd say, I don't know, that's hard, he'd say, what if it isn't? What if it isn't hard? What if it's easy and you just haven't looked at it that way before? That changes everything. That's more of that quantum theory. When you look at it, it's not the same. So once you look at it as easy, Oh, yeah, okay.

Colleen:

"What if the (computer) program that I thought I lost yesterday isn't really lost, and I found it last night?"

Donna:

See?

The Power of Perspective and Connection

Colleen:

Along the lines of how we are all connected, and we're all free to help each other along, whoever that teacher is--in my mind I call him "Mr. What If," the first time I heard you speak publicly you referred to him, you shared the stories of But what if this... what if that?

Donna:

Yes, I remember that now. Yes.

Colleen:

And I had actually years prior to that written a song called What If? And I was like, Hey, I have a song about that. I better check into it a little more. And as I did, that has become a foundational part of everything--that perspective in whatever comes my way, to be seen and dealt with and whatnot, 'cause stuff can seem hopeless. It can seem beyond repair.

But what if it's not? What if this horribly wounding thing is actually part of the medicine?

The what if question itself, it's like a portal of words. And I have come to appreciate that so much. And you were the vehicle, the human, the channel that brought that back into my life.

And so I guess it comes back to being willing and open to share what's come our way--grace in all its forms, what has helped us along. And when we share it and we're open to just be open, all these people come into our lives to tell us that they're afraid of the same thing that we're struggling with, and things like that--which is so remarkable.

"SEEMS": A Flashlight Word

Donna:

It's that balance. I'm going to struggle on one day, but then I'm going to see it and I'm not going to struggle the next day. So it's that balance of knowing that everything that's happening is leading us In some other direction.

You used the word seem somewhere in that sentence.. It seems to be... And every time I hear that word, I think, Oh, that just means I haven't looked at it right. It seems to be this. If I look at it differently, it'll be something else.

So that word is a nice one to listen for and do something with.

Colleen:

Yes. I'm hearing myself sometimes making these horrible declarations, about myself or about a situation and I'm like, Whoa--rewind, delete. That's not what I want to declare at all. And not that I want to be just some robot about it, but I can feel it in my words, when I'll say something that just is mean or wrangly or judgmental and I'm like, Did that just come out of my mouth? Whoa; I need to step back a minute and see what's up with that. And it doesn't disempower the intensity of what needs to be conveyed, if I just put the word seems in there,. That puts it in the proper perspective; that's where I need to live.

Donna:

Yeah, it's like getting out your flashlight and shining it on something.

Colleen:

Yeah, we can do that. I think that's why we're here.

Donna:

That's the amazing part of it, that we have the capacity to do that. We don't as often as we can, but now that we know it, we can.

Colleen:

Yeah. Not because we have to, right? But in some essential way, it's who we are. And that feels good; when we do it, we feel good. There's an inner recognition that happens, right? Hmmm, I like that. Like finding a new little flavor of dark chocolate that we never tasted before.

Must be getting close to lunchtime. I better let you go. I hope we get to do this again. This is so, so nice.

Donna:

Me too. It's been a wonderful conversation. It's always a wonderful conversation with you. Even if we're not recording...

Colleen:

Likewise; it is. Yes. After we have these conversations, I just go around smiling for a while. It's very uplifting.

Donna:

Isn't it? That's what I feel when I interview people and now, you know. With more and more people, you know what that feeling is. It's good.

Colleen:

It's a good connection. And it's one that is limitless. Whoever hears this, whenever they hear it, wherever they are, in some mystical, wonderful way, it'll come to them. And they'll just be eating the chocolate with us.

Donna:

It is already done.

Making A Connection with Donna:

Colleen:

It is already done. Yes, indeed. Donna, before we close this, would you please spell out the best way for people to connect with you? And I will say also that anyone who wants to know your latest and greatest, or find how to connect with you and all these different expressions and courses and books and podcasts, etc. Let's let them know how they can make that connection. So your website is...

Donna:

My website is my name, DonnaApidone.com which has a contact page. You can send me a message any time you want. It has information about what I've been writing lately, about TransForMission-- there's a whole page about that. There's some information about Drive-Time Meditations, and there are recordings of interviews and things that I've done over the years--sort of a look back as well as a look at what's going on now.

Yeah, I would love for people to contact me.

Colleen:

I've enjoyed your website. It's thank you. It's simple, but it's artsy; I like it.

Donna:

I'm glad to hear that. I appreciate that feedback. Yeah.

Colleen:

Well, again, Donna, we'll look forward to what unfolds from here on out, but this was really rich and delicious.

Donna:

Thank you so much. Delicious for me, too.

EPILOGUE:

 Thanks for listening to this episode about navigating change, embracing uncertainty, and finding peace on the other side of discomfort. What has your experience been in saying yes to unexpected roles? I find it comforting to know that reinvention isn't just possible, it's often necessary because what seems overwhelming may actually be our greatest teacher.

This series Making Connections with Donna Apidone has highlighted how when we open up, the world opens up to meet us. And we would love to connect with you.

Reach out to Donna Apidone directly through her website, and to either or both of us through SongRise.Live. And by the way, the Bonus Content page for subscribers has a special Journal waiting for you with reflective prompts from each podcast episode, including this one. And if you are interested in a Continuing the Conversation virtual group, just put CTC on the contact form at Songrise.Live.

Here's a tasty morsel to close this special series from Donna's Drive Time Meditations*. The actual meditation is three to five minutes long. Enjoy. This is Colleen Akiko, wishing you many blessings and many loving connections.

* (To hear this via the podcast episode, click HERE)